Wetlands and Elastic Waistbands

I’m not sure what it is about a buffet, but I can’t resist one. It doesn’t matter if it’s the local Chinese buffet , Ryan’s, or a KFC (I wish I knew of a Mexican buffet), I somehow find myself scarfing down massive amounts of fried and gravy laden goodness. At first I feel as though I am Erik the Red, pillaging some small European village. 8 minutes and 4 pounds later, I have to loosen my belt, Bobby Hill style, and tell myself that I’ll never do something like that again. Why does having an indisposable amount of stale macaroni, greasy sweet and sour chicken, instant mashed potatoes, butter soaked rolls and self serve chocolate swirl ice cream (WAIT, why do all buffets have this?) trigger the gene that expresses barbarian-like traits, and cause men to treat food with lawlessness. Remember what happened when Tony Perkis left Camp Hope.

Today. Well, today, I did it again. After a day of working in the wetlands between Chauvin and Cocodrie, I was headed back to New Orleans via Houma, and what do I see? A sign- just like Ace of Base said I would- that read “Sicily’s Ultimate Italian Buffet”. Come on, I couldn’t pass this up. Even though I was a one-man wolf pack, and my wolf pack had NO chance of growing by one, I decided to delve into the world of Italian buffets by myself. Holy hell. A make-your-own-pasta-bar complete with nonBP shrimp. Muffuletta pizza. Lasagna. Smore’s Pizza. Why haven’t I known about this? I thought these kinds of buffets were only found in lore and passed down through oral history, like the mythical Popeye’s buffet in Baton Rouge. Before I knew it, I had passed the Erik the Red and the Bobby Hill stage (including the time he got gout) before Round 1 was complete. Hell, I got to the point where I knew Scorpion was going to pop up from behind the sneeze guard and finish me, “Get over here!” (<--, <--, A). Coming just a few bites short of killing over like the guy on Seven, I had a revelation- next time I go in the field for work, I’m wearing elastic waistband jeans... and bringing a roll of toilet paper.