Thirty-Three Things I Learned from French Quarter Fest

1. Abita has a monopoly on beer at the festival.

2. Benny Grunch and the Bunch is pretty terrible. Singing the “12 Yats of Christmas” in Jackson Square when it’s 87 degrees outside may be the only thing keeping this band from Da Parish afloat.

3. The least crowded and most hidden of all the stages just so happens to be also shaded by an old magnolia: the International Stage at Dutch Alley.

4. The late afternoon cool breeze coming off of the River near the Harrah’s Stage created an almost beachy feel, especially when the Carnival Triumph happens to be leaving port.

5. Even with an extra day added this year, the festival is still overly crowded.

6. It takes some logical logistics to navigate these crowds, especially at the Riverfront, and especially around the Abita Stage. Normal signage will not suffice.

7. The bread pudding from Boucherie will likely cause an immediate heart attack.

8. White people, especially the local vagabonds at the Zydepunks show, cannot dance.

9. Well maybe not all white people- Troy Landry’s kin cut a rug to Lost Bayou Ramblers at the Cajun/Zydeco stage (choot em)

10. White people can, in fact, play some brass (see Bonearama and Panorama).

11. Audubon aquarium is now charging people to see the Quaker Parrots that you can see for free at WRBH's radio tower on Magazine Street.

12. SDT apparently only hired Mexicans to take care of the upkeep of the fine facilities.

13. It is somehow possible to pull off an outdoor sushi bar when temperatures are hovering close to 90 degrees.

14. Unlike Jazz Fest, A week’s pay is not required for entry into the festival grounds and you can sneak beer inside. The festival discourages this frugal behavior, but this was All Furlough’s Eve. If you're too scared to smuggle in the goods, run by Sidney's and grab an Abita Strawberry for less than $2.

15. Dancing Man 504 held his own dance lessons and somehow ended up being everywhere I was. Consider me officially afraid.

16. Serving Hurricanes and Hand Grenades to unsuspecting tourists is probably the worst move that the FQF could have made. The worst of Bourbon Street has now been brought out into the open. Mid-City Jesus should be on alert now.

17. The NOPD “deer stands” were set up throughout the French Quarter to try and deter the Hurricane/Hand Grenade drinkers from causing a scene.

18. Gal Holiday is about as honky tonk as New Orleans gets and has the voice of a modern day Patsy Cline.

19. From her originals to Zeppelin and Etta James covers to collaborations with Coco Robicheaux, Irene Sage can belt it out. The only drawback? She dedicates her songs as often as ToshBabyBoo.

20. Sunglasses and sunscreen are required.

21. Redfish Grill concocted the ultimate hot weather festival fare- a smoked crawfish and blackened avocado po-boy with a smoked onion aioli.

22. The Acride-Fire-esque, brass-bandish style of MyNameIsJohnMichael is growing on me.

23. If global warming is getting to you, the Esplanade Stage in the Shade at the Old U.S. Mint doesn’t have enough cooling power for you, and you don’t feel like playing a competitive game of UNO (yes that UNO) at Pravda, then swing by the Old Ursuline Convent and take advantage of one of those new fangled fancy air conditioners while you hear some serious classical music in a historic and beautiful cathedral.

24. I thought everyone knew how to eat crawfish, but the guys over at Rouses had to actually give a crawfish eating class to some out-of-towners that wanted to delve into the 1000s of pounds of crawfish being boiled next to the Malibu Rum Stage.

25. I also thought missing Kermit Ruffins, Trombone Shorty, and Little Freddie King on Saturday for a wedding would be extremely disappointing, but the wedding ended up turning into a small FQF set of its own.

26. My neighbor plays in an incredibly good Latin brass band- Los Po-Boy Citos. No, wait I already knew that. I just didn't know that even with a broken arm and not able to play his usual lead guitar, they would still drag him on stage, and stick him in the corner with a cowbell.

27. The grilled livers with greens from Praline Connection was by far the countriest and the absolute best food at FQF.

28. Old Japanese guys (Sound of Vespers) can play some serious traditional jazz.

29. Irvin Mayfield's project, Los Hombres Calientes, may have been one of the most underrated bands at the fest.

30. Jesus has set up shop at Jax Brewery and can apparently turn water into iPhone screens.

31. I somehow found myself at the Capital One Stage more than any other stage. Good food, better music, and possibly the best view of the Crescent City Connection.

32. The 12 hour roast beef po-boy with horseradish aioli and pickled red onion lived up to its hype.

33. Hipsters won’t travel without proper paper.